Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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