I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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