Your face is a jimmy john
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
