My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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