Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
