I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
