I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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