well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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