My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
