woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
