meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
