i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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