If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just want nice things and good sex
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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