I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
