I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
