Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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