You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You made out with two different species that night
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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