no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
