I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
