Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
