Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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