I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
