walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
