apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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