Kiss
Puke
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
