Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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