If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We are all done wearing pants today
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
