Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
