He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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