apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
