I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
