just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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