took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
