Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
