Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
