Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
