i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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