Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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