oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
