sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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