Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
