I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
