It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
