I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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