; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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