He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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