the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
