My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
