i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
