phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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