I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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