I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
