We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
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